I’m so happy was able to find this old poem of mine. I wrote it in 2012 for an entertainment website I used to co-author with my buddy Dale. A few years ago, though, the hosting lapsed and the backups were lost, along with a bunch of my favourite poems. I managed to find this one, though. I’ve always quite liked it.

A poem about a panda called John.
The only panda in the forest keen to get it on…

There once was a panda, and his name was John.
His spots were all neat and his fleece soft and long.
A handsome dude, John, with a belly to flex.
And totally desperate to have him some sex.

But life can be hard in the land of Bamboo,
If shagging a panda is what you wanna do.
Because all of the babes in John’s panda crew,
Would rather chew through bamboo than to have a good screw.

Time and again, he’d approach a pandette,
And leave with head bowed in shame and regret.
Relentless was our poor John’s constant rejection.
And great was the throb in his tortured erection.

See, for pandas, bamboo is the best thing around.
And in this panda forest, it was thick on the ground.
So why would a panda want to think any deeper
Than of munching bamboo, and that pesky Zoo Keeper?

In fact, all the pandas had but only one fear,
And no care for sushi or sex or for beer.
The only one thing that could ruin their whole day,
Was the fear of being caught and then taken away.

For life was just perfect, the pandas would say,
And they’d sit on their arses and scoff the whole day.
And nothing our poor John could think of to say,
Could get the girl pandas to see it his way.

His testicles ached and his temper grew short,
And he stopped being careful about getting caught.
Consumed and fixated on one single thought:
A sexy girl panda to romance and court.

And so it was, that John dropped his guard.
He might have been spared if his wang wasn’t hard.
But one very fateful, randy-ass day,
The Zoo Keeper came, and he took John away.

When all of the pandas heard the bad news,
They cried and they sobbed and they all had the blues.
The ladies all wished they had seen more of John,
And thought maybe they’d liked to have taken him on.

As John woke up, in the back of a cage,
He wasn’t aware that he’d been out for days.
And had been placed on ship which then sailed far away.
To a high-budget zoo in the US of A!

At first he was scared, and he longed for some closure,
Until he arrived at his brand-new enclosure!
He couldn’t believe what he saw with his eyes,
Just endless bamboo and hot panda-babe thighs!

The audio system was playing a slow jam,
At the HQ venue of the Panda Breeding Programme!
He grabbed some bamboo and began to rejoice!
He was surrounded by panda babes, all of them moist.

He wasn’t in hell, and he wasn’t in jail.
He was the zoo’s brand new prize alpha male!
So, what you may ask, does this story here mean?

Never give up on living your dream.

– Gord Laws, 2012